How to Break Up with Your Humorless, Vegan Girlfriend
By The Editors
PlannedMan

Choose the right place for the break-up. No cliff-top “scenic turnout”—somewhere good for both of you: a steak house!

How to Break Up with Your Humorless, Vegan Girlfriend
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It's called work for a reason; it's not always fun. Those who love their work can't deny the grind, the ground hog repetition. It's hard work. What makes work fun is putting your shoulder behind things that are worthy.
By Guy Shepperd

Step 1: send her a text.

Okay, here’s the real Step 1:

Choose the right place. No cliff-top “scenic turnout”—somewhere good for both of you: a steak house! They probably have a salad bar or something to that effect. Plus, there is no such thing as a salad house. We’ll start you off with three, meaty places to meet:

  1. Big Texan Steak Ranch (Amarillo, Texas): Why it’s a great choice: first of all, the name. Second, she can eat for free—if she can polish off the 72-ounce steak dinner in 60 minutes or less. Appeal to her competitive instinct. Here are the rules and the live-cam feed—excuse the play on words.

  1. The Ranch (Anaheim, California): Andrew Edwards for 30 years was the leading manufacturer of professional, AV-system-integration products. He bought one of the most boring office buildings in America and envisioned a lobby with a massive, western-themed, steakhouse-cum saloon selling gigantic steaks and food grown on the restaurant’s own farm. Your soon-to-be ex may want to stick you with the $125 tab for the 58-ounce Cowboy Ribeye smothered in Sauce Bordelaise—let her say goodbye her way. Your way is to crumble bleu cheese over the barely dead, hemi-carcass beef and chase it all down with a decent, peaty single malt while listening to some bitchin’ Country & Western. Say adios, before the next teardrop falls.
  2. The Carnivore (Nairobi, Kenya): yeah, it’s a bit of a drive but worth the effort. She can order the semi-vegetarian special—ostrich steak. You don’t need to order the ox balls, obviously—You have a set already, right?—so find a spot next to the huge, open-fire pit near the foreign strangers, and slide slices of exotic species off the javelin-length skewer. She can make extremely small talk with the European individuals while you wolf down a camel. There’s an airport practically next door—for her.

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